Rock Bottom!
By Linda Apollo
How are you? How are you holding up? I hope you are sane and coping well with everything that is happening. Honestly, I am struggling, the empathetic side of me is really struggling. My heart breaks every time I think about all the families out there that are struggling to survive. With all the emotions being laid out, I am absorbing everything and compartmentalizing it all.
I hope you are faring well though. Hang in there. Don’t dare give up! How is 2020 taking you? What were your expectations? So on the eve of 2020 I asked these from God; peace and calm in my heart and mind, to cut off the people I wasn’t adding any value to, fake friendships and vice versa. (P.S don’t ask for this if you are not ready. It’s really painful). Finally I asked him for a husband.( still waiting ?).
2020 is kicking my butt. Started the year with losing two most important people in my life. One was to death because I wasn’t strong enough for them. The other one, well, I just know I lost them and in the process, a part of me was also lost. Then two weeks ago, I lost a friend to death yet again. I am really struggling dealing with everything. My emotions are at the border.
I have been off social media for a few days now and I am thinking of quitting for good. A few days ago I witnessed someone I care about being cyber bullied. (you have no idea what bullying does to a person). What hurts even more, the people I know to be our friends were at the forefront of the bullying. In a world full of negativity, the least you can do is be kind. People are fighting battles you’ll never know neither will you understand. Kenyans are the worst social media trolls. (Google it). Highly opinionated Keyboard warriors. I am angry at myself for being so powerless; not being able to help. I am the dumbest and naïve, smart person I know. I am also the strongest and most fragile. So all these is taking a toll on me. The other day I had difficulties breathing and I didn’t know if I was having a panic or asthma attack.
I am not so good at processing things, emotions. I absorb everything like a sponge, bottle it up and shove it to the furthest corner of my head and so the other day when I couldn’t trace my lip balm, I broke down, I sobbed for like an hour and a half. I am not sure if I was crying because of the lip balm or every other emotion I had bottled up. (I still need to find that lip balm and yes I am this petty).
The one thing I have going on right currently is my relationship with God. Every time I am ready to give up, He never let go, He keeps holding me. He’s been a friend.
I am still learning and unlearning so many things. I am accepting how flawed I am and that I still have a lot to work on myself. I am learning a lot just by observing people. It’s the kind of learning no school will give you. Maybe the school of life. There is always something to learn from every single person you come across.
“The thing about hitting rock bottom is you have to go back up”
I read this sometime back and I have a different opinion. What if rock bottom is as wide as the Atlantic Ocean and before you can find your way up you will spend a great deal of time swimming sideways? I know of a lot of people who have hit rock bottom, stayed there and died while still there. I am scared of not living to the expectations of coming right back up. I am scared that I might stay down there forever.
There are days I wake up and I can barely breathe; tightness in my chest is too much for me. My heart is heavy and I feel like a failure. I got to learn that you can never really be fully prepared enough to face all these uncertainties. Always, there’ll be a lesson to be learnt between the cracks of your heart. You can protect yourself but that one day when you let your guard down, that’s the day that all hell breaks loose, World War III happens. You fight for your own survival with everything that you have.
You can shut everyone out; build walls around yourself, be superwoman for all it takes but if you are meant to hit rock bottom, you’ll go straight there no matter how long it takes. Everyone hits rock bottom and the real test is how they find their way back up or stay below till death. There is always a lesson in all these. Trust the journey. I am still finding my way up and in all honesty, it’s a real struggle. It’s ugly, it’s hard, it’s really rough.
I really don’t want to stay rock bottom. Please, when you pray, pray for me. I believe that just like the Phoenix, I will rise again!
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